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Dearest Dad

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/pretend/”>Pretend</a&gt;

I wanted to tell you everything that happened while you were gone.Its been how long? 5 years and 7 months?. Five long years but you weren’t a day forgotten. Five long years but I still feel incomplete and miserable. Five long years of pretending I’m okay but I will never be, Daddy.

I wanted to ask you so many questions. Why dad? Tell me, just like the old days that when I ask a question, no matter how hard it is, make it math or history you managed to answer me right away. Just this f*cking question and you were not there to answer me.

Unfair.

Sad.

Completely unfair and it makes me miserably sad.

Know what makes it more sad and unfair? It’s the fact that there was no closure. There was no goodbyes.

Now, here I am. I am writing again because I terribly missed you! I want to hug you so tight like I will never let go. I want to kiss you, not a peek on the cheek like those old days but a kiss that will leave its mark of how I love you so dearly. I want to talk to you longer, no arguments just plain talking of how’s work and all. I want to sleep beside you like the old times when we sleep together with bunso and we fell asleep hearing each others snore. I want to sing together with you, y’know you have a good voice while I have what you can call a ‘decent voice’.  Haha.Do you still like rock n’roll and acoustic songs? Also, who wouldn’t forget how you used to love playing with kids? You used to make them laugh while we couldn’t even put a smile on them. But its your laugh I wanted badly to hear, dad. You used to laugh even in my corny stories and I used to love the sound of it. Oh, your laugh is soft and tickling but when you are in anger, it changes. How I hate it. Remember how I got mad when you are shouting and you easily backed down? Oh, you are a cutie when you say sorry. I missed you daddy. I missed everything about you. I missed every single detail of how it used to when you are still here with us.I wanted to do so many things with you that my heart ache just reminiscing how it used to be. 

How are doing up there daddy? Can you still remember us?Me? I still think of you everynight. I even pray to see you knocking on our door or just seeing you on the street. I even see some guys looking just like you walking on the street but when I secondly look right at them, it was clearly not you at all.

What happened that day daddy? There was no witness, there was no clear explanation to us. We can not keep running  without knowing who is the real threat to us. We can not put an end to this if we didn’t know what really happened to you. Hell, I can not even say what’s the reason of your death. Is it an accident? No. Clearly no. But daddy, WHY?

WHY DADDY?

I can not question God why did He let you die so soon. It happened, i know , for a reason. But leaving us with no reason at all? You were so brave and a fighter that you wouldn’t let your problem bury you down. Why daddy? Why did you let it happen? I know you so well that whenever you are in trouble, you will keep fighting to stay alive but why on that day you died so easily. I know you too well that you wouldn’t text me for help to fix it with you and mom, but then later on joining some suicidal mission.You died without us knowing who did it and what really happened. I know you too well that it is unbelievable . You said you still love mom and you said you wanted to see me stepping on that stage carrying a medal, well I did it dad but there was no you. I stand on that stage with mom but you were not there to see me.

There was no you, daddy. So tell me, why? Because it doesn’t seem like you at all.

Well, everyday I missed you! I know you are happy up there daddy. And I know you bury with you the answers. It just HURT. SO BAD. But I will get better.

Just like you said ‘Pakabakod ka day’.

I will. And I will be.

I love you so much Daddy.

#Daddy #FamilyMatters

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Littlest Giant Daily Prompt: Giant

Giantvia Daily Prompt: Giant


<a href="https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/giant/">Giant</a>
I stood up inside this four corner,  not sure of what’s going on.  There’s this crowd and I’m not sure what it is. I went closser.  I saw a little girl.  My heart stopped for a second.  I walked away leaving a trace of teardrops in the room. It was too much for me.  My heart is not as strong like theirs.

I heard two women talking.  ‘Why did they let her see her mom inside the cofffin? She’s too young to witness it’, said the woman.

Yes,  I saw a young girl watching her mom inside the coffin. She stood there  just watching and I saw how she bravely composed herself not to tremble and cry.She was like 7 or 8 years old but how she managed to compose herself is a true bravery.  I looked around and all of them are crying except that girl. Noone bothered to hug her and I looked again,  there were even atleast 2 or 3 in pair yet they forgot to include the little one. Then I walked away.

I bravely interrupted the two women.

I said “How could you even say that,  that she has no right to see her mom even in her last moment? Have you seen how she managed to stay strong?  Have you seen how she fought not to cry eventhough everyone does?  Have you seen her looked for comfort?  There was none because everybody is busy with someone. I hoped instead of saying like that,  you pay you respect to the family without critisizing them”.  Then I walked away and went back to the crowd.  I straightly went beside the little one and hugged her.  I tapped her back and kissed her forehead.  And say “Don’t held back little one. It’s okay to cry. ”

She cried so loud that all of them turned to us.

“You were brave earlier.  Your the littlest giant I have known.”

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The Mommies Battle

‘I went to the bathroom and locked myself there. As soon as I closed the door, tears kept streaming down my face. I cried so hard, I kept holding them for too long and now I can’t seem to stop it.’

I asked myself, why’d I choose to be a mom when everything was so hard and damn painful. I wanted to asked myself again, Is this the life that I wanted?.

I missed having enough sleep. I missed having to pamper myself. I missed going out alone. I missed combing my hair, wearing make up and going window shopping. I missed sitting for so long or lying down so long and not doing anything.I missed watching cinemas, eating with hubby or even lying beside him with just the two of us in our own world. I want a piece of mind. I want everything that I have back then. I want it that it brought me pain just even imagining the life I had before.

I feel losyang! I feel ugly by not having enough time to fix myself! I feel depressed most of the time just by realizing the things i had to do! I had given up my teen life, for what?

I have to wake up early and stay up late. I have to washed baby’s clothes which is a big pile to be exact. I have to washed bottles. I have to ensure healthy food and sanitize everything. I have to focus and stay focused and not left an eye on them. You know, they easily pick up something and eat it. Or maybe crawl or walk fast that they’ll hurt theirselves . They always cry!Believe me they always cry. 

After the drama I had inside the bathroom, I wiped all those tears away and went to bed. I saw my baby , and I CRIED.

AGAIN I CRIED.

I cried so much that I kneeled down and covered my face.

I saw him laying in bed, sleeping peacefully with his hands laid like praying. 

I cried because all those what if’s and regrets were nothing compared to what I have now.

I realized now why God made me a mother and why I chose this. 

I will be forever grateful that I have this little angel beside me who can make me smile and light my world by just hearing his giggles and his sweet actions. 

After all, I would never trade my baby to anything. God blessed me to have this one little angel and I now fully understand the reason why I decided to give up everything just to have this cherub beside me.

Being a mom is the most rewarding unpaid work.

Never Too Young To Be A Mom   ●Motherhood● 

There is no perfect Mom only Best Mom!

Inkbox

Too young to be a mom? Well, I’ve asked that to myself also. Infact, been asking it for a million times.

From the time I found out that I am pregnant at the age of 24, I’ve heard more than enough and believe me, it was more like an additional baggage aside from my soon to swell tummy. Too many issues plus too many bad comments. Am I too young? Is it about my face that tells them Im too young? Is it about my personality? Well, I act maturely at my age and been independent already but that’s too young for them. I have a stable job at the bank, I have my own savings and I’m sure capable of living my own. There are middle aged woman who has no work and no savings yet you think of them as ready for having a baby. Isn’t it…

View original post 957 more words

Littlest Giant Daily Prompt: Giant

It is okay cry. You are still the littlest giant I have known

Inkbox

via Daily Prompt: Giant

I stood up inside this four corner,  not sure of what’s going on.  There’s this crowd and I’m not sure what it is. I went closser.  I saw a little girl.  My heart stopped for a second.  I walked away leaving a trace of teardrops in the room. It was too much for me.  My heart is not as strong like theirs.

I heard two women talking.  ‘Why did they let her see her mom inside the cofffin? She’s too young to witness it’, said the woman.

Yes,  I saw a young girl watching her mom inside the coffin. She stood there  just watching and I saw how she bravely composed herself not to tremble and cry.She was like 7 or 8 years old but how she managed to compose herself is a true bravery.  I looked around and all of them are crying except that girl…

View original post 174 more words

Never Too Young To Be A Mom   ●Motherhood● 

         Too young to be a mom? Well, I’ve asked that to myself also. Infact, been asking it for a million times.

          From the time I found out that I am pregnant at the age of 24, I’ve heard more than enough and believe me, it was more like an additional baggage aside from my soon to swell tummy. Too many issues plus too many bad comments. Am I too young? Is it about my face that tells them Im too young? Is it about my personality? Well, I act maturely at my age and been independent already but that’s too young for them. I have a stable job at the bank, I have my own savings and I’m sure capable of living my own. There are middle aged woman who has no work and no savings yet you think of them as ready for having a baby. Isn’t it funny when people based all things to happen in your age? I maybe too young as what they think but I’m never late to learn how to be a mom.What I need now is to  I strengthen my relationship to God to keep me going and stay away to all those stress and problems. After all, I write my own life. 

           God gave me this wonderful blessing and He believed in me. He believed that I can become a great mom for this little kid inside me. He believed in me, He choosed me, He blessed me and I will never fail Him. This was never  mistake, a surprise but never a mistake. I promised God to take care of this little one.

             And I kept my promise! NOW, I’m happy and proud that I’ve done it. I’ve became the best MOM in the best ways I could but the struggle was not that easy. It is the most difficult unpaid job yet all worth it.

             Most books will tell you how easy to be a mom but believe me, it’s not true at all. It is not always kisses and hugs moments; It is not always as planned; It is not as smooth as you might think. I think the best way to say it is – THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

              Those ugly moments, you will feel ugly most of the time like after you gave birth, you can’t have time for yourself. There was no ‘ME TIME’. I always cry myself at night whenever I look in the mirror. All I see was this lady with big circles and eyebags, uncombed hair for days, unclean face and body, untamed eyebrows and unfit body. I can not have an ordinary bath, the baby will only give me minutes. Worst is sometimes you can’t take a bath. After taking a bath, I can not comb my hair because the baby wants her Mommy and that’s me. I can’t choose properly my clothes. What I see first is what I wear. Then I see my friends posting their whereabouts with their faces, I got jealous. Ugh. The emotional anxiety after birth is slowly killing me.

              Aside from that, my baby is not as behaved as what the books will say. They say it will cry only once it wants to be feed but hey NO! My baby cries all the time. I will immediately raise my shirt then breastfeed him wherever and whenever he cries. Yes, wherever and whenever means you’re in the sofa with your visitors or you’re in a public place. I never imagine myself doing that but who cares, it’s my baby and he needs me.

               I seldom go out, I prefer to bond with my son. Whenever I go out, I have this huge bag which is very heavy and big. The more the better, indeed. The baby will poops and my world is crashed. The baby will cry, ofcourse it is normal but to some people  it is annoying so I have to soothe the baby. Sometimes the baby won’t stop crying so I am forced to go home early. Well, Mommy duties.

               Also, those eyebags? Its hard earned! You can’t sleep well knowing that you have a baby because the what ifs will never let you. What if the baby cries and you are asleep, what if the baby roll over and  can’t breath. All of the what ifs made my eyebags and dark circles never dying.

                I imagine myself kissing my baby at the cheeks and holding it near me, then boom, it cries or it poops or it pees all over you.

               But above all, they are still included for my best moments as a mother. I can proudly say I am a mom of this healthy and glowing baby boy. I enjoy watching him grow. He is very irresistable, like you want to kiss and hug him every minute. He is cute and he is just like me.You will cry as you witness his first crawl. You will laugh seeing his first tooth.Oh, you will laugh and cry even in silliest thing. You will definitely say the best blessing anyone could ever imagine.

                Im too young? No not at all. I will say I’m learning. Everday Im learning new things but I will never say I’m too young to be a mom.

                  I knew nothing at all first, like how to bath a baby, how to clean his navel, how to clean his nose and ears and everything. I remember one time that I cried so hard because my baby is crying and I don’t know how to ease his pain. Then I called my mom, and she told me to try puting ‘manzanilla’ on my baby’s tummy, and she was right. I never knew how to make puree and baby food, I never knew too many stuffs but it’s only a matter of being open mindedness. Open to learn new things because being a mom is a never ending process.

                    Everyone of us is being tested if you are ready for what life has to offer us. It maybe a new job, a new partner,lossing a loved one and maybe just like me, having a baby. You know, no one should judge you the way you handle your life unless you are stepping on them or do harm them in any ways. You can never be young nor too old in anything and guess what, I am not too young to be a Mom. Don’t be afraid of what others will tell you. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you shatter in pieces. Remember that there is no perfect MOM, only MOMs who do their best.

                 

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