I wanted to tell you everything that happened while you were gone.Its been how long? 5 years and 7 months?. Five long years but you weren’t a day forgotten. Five long years but I still feel incomplete and miserable. Five long years of pretending I’m okay but I will never be, Daddy.
I wanted to ask you so many questions. Why dad? Tell me, just like the old days that when I ask a question, no matter how hard it is, make it math or history you managed to answer me right away. Just this f*cking question and you were not there to answer me.
Completely unfair and it makes me miserably sad.
Know what makes it more sad and unfair? It’s the fact that there was no closure. There was no goodbyes.
Now, here I am. I am writing again because I terribly missed you! I want to hug you so tight like I will never let go. I want to kiss you, not a peek on the cheek like those old days but a kiss that will leave its mark of how I love you so dearly. I want to talk to you longer, no arguments just plain talking of how’s work and all. I want to sleep beside you like the old times when we sleep together with bunso and we fell asleep hearing each others snore. I want to sing together with you, y’know you have a good voice while I have what you can call a ‘decent voice’. Haha.Do you still like rock n’roll and acoustic songs? Also, who wouldn’t forget how you used to love playing with kids? You used to make them laugh while we couldn’t even put a smile on them. But its your laugh I wanted badly to hear, dad. You used to laugh even in my corny stories and I used to love the sound of it. Oh, your laugh is soft and tickling but when you are in anger, it changes. How I hate it. Remember how I got mad when you are shouting and you easily backed down? Oh, you are a cutie when you say sorry. I missed you daddy. I missed everything about you. I missed every single detail of how it used to when you are still here with us.I wanted to do so many things with you that my heart ache just reminiscing how it used to be.
How are doing up there daddy? Can you still remember us?Me? I still think of you everynight. I even pray to see you knocking on our door or just seeing you on the street. I even see some guys looking just like you walking on the street but when I secondly look right at them, it was clearly not you at all.
What happened that day daddy? There was no witness, there was no clear explanation to us. We can not keep running without knowing who is the real threat to us. We can not put an end to this if we didn’t know what really happened to you. Hell, I can not even say what’s the reason of your death. Is it an accident? No. Clearly no. But daddy, WHY?
I can not question God why did He let you die so soon. It happened, i know , for a reason. But leaving us with no reason at all? You were so brave and a fighter that you wouldn’t let your problem bury you down. Why daddy? Why did you let it happen? I know you so well that whenever you are in trouble, you will keep fighting to stay alive but why on that day you died so easily. I know you too well that you wouldn’t text me for help to fix it with you and mom, but then later on joining some suicidal mission.You died without us knowing who did it and what really happened. I know you too well that it is unbelievable . You said you still love mom and you said you wanted to see me stepping on that stage carrying a medal, well I did it dad but there was no you. I stand on that stage with mom but you were not there to see me.
There was no you, daddy. So tell me, why? Because it doesn’t seem like you at all.
Well, everyday I missed you! I know you are happy up there daddy. And I know you bury with you the answers. It just HURT. SO BAD. But I will get better.
Just like you said ‘Pakabakod ka day’.
I will. And I will be.
I love you so much Daddy.